i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
