True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
