You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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