dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
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The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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