Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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