omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
