I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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