First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
