PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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