When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm like, not good at living.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
