Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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