I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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