There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
