I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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