Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I need to calm my uterus...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
