Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
