Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
