Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
