do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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