I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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