He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
