My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
