im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
