Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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