i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
