I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
