Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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