If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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