he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
