I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
