it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
