he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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