She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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