nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
