my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
