Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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