just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
