On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
