My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
