i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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