if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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