well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
