Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
