somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
