trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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