We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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