Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
