these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
