Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
