I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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