The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
