Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
