there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
