Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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